A Visit from St Pavel, aka 21 Kisses
by keepfabandgayon
Summary: Chekov puts mistletoe everywhere for a reason. Spirk, Scuhura, and Chulu; but everyone kisses everyone.


For thesecretmichan on tumblr.

* * *

_'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the ship_

_Not a creature was stirring, no alarms were tripped_

_The phasers were hung by the transporters with care_

_The crew hoped for one Christmas without interplanetary warfare_

"Vell, you are not my first choice in first kiss, but tradition is tradition."

"Dammit, Chekov! Is there a single room on this ship where you _didn't _put mistletoe?"

"_Nyet_. Ze yeomen put in all ze bedrooms, too. Now vere is my kiss, doctor?"

_The redshirts were nestled all snug in their beds,_

_While visions of imminent death danced in their heads._

_And Kirk in his chair, and a PADD in his lap_

_We had just settled our brains for an elaborate trap. _

"Lieutenant! Have you translated that message - oh shit, is that what I think it is...?"

"Yes. Let's just get it over with."

"..."

"..."

"That never happened."

"Yes, Captain."

_When down in Engineering there arose such a clatter,_

_I sprang from the Bridge to see what was the matter._

_Away to the turbolift I flew in a flash,_

_Tore open the warp cores surrounded by ash._

"Shouldn't they know better than to throw mistletoe into the warp cores?"

"It dinnae damage the cores, only made a mess an' set 'em on fire."

"With all the hell that gets raised in Engineering I'm surprised I see you in here so rarely. Why are you giggling, Nurse?"

"Doctor..."

"Dammit, second time today. Of course we have a witness now. Not a soul hears about this, do you understand?"

_The stars zipping by like sideways-falling snow_

_Went unseen by the windowless levels below._

_When, what to Sickbay should appear,_

_But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer._

"All right, who's responsible for the flying sleigh in my Sickbay?"

"Guilty as charged."

"Jim! Well, I think it's time you got some of those new vaccinations, don't you?"

"Don't get too close!"

"...I am going to kill that kid."

_With our little old driver, Sulu the Quick,_

_Wandering the halls during his free shift._

_More rapid than eagles, the kissers they came,_

_And he ran and shouted as they called out his name!_

"Nope nope nope nope nope nope - fuck! Sorry, Uhura!"

"Is no place safe?"

"Apparently not."

"Well, at least you're not Jim."

_Now dash to your quarters and hide from your crewmates_

_On, Spock - hate is illogical, but mistletoe, he hates_

_To the door, out the lift, running past the mess halls_

_Now dash away! Dash away! Dash- and he falls._

"Spo- mfh! Get off me!"

"Doctor! I- I apologise-"

"There wasn't even any damn mistletoe that time!"

_Having kissed half the Bridge, Bones made for Sickbay,_

_Intending not to leave it 'til the end of the day._

_But in with a sword-severed finger who else flew,_

_But Sulu, followed by Chekov with plans anew_

"Thanks. You know there's still mistletoe in here too, right?"

"I was hoping no one else would need to come in. I'm taking it down once you're done healing."

"And you know there's one above us?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"..."

"..."

"Doctor! I am needing your help! ...oh."

"You! You better be glad it's against my oaths to kill you."

"What'd he do?"

"Put up all the damn mistletoe, that's what. I had to kiss _Spock_."

"I have vitnesses for zat one, zat was not ze mistletoe's fault, he vas running into you."

"I had to kiss _Jim_!"

"Ve all have to make sacrifices for ze common good, doctor."

"Common good!"

"What are you talking about, Pavel?"

"Ze common good. I am going to get ze Keptan and Commander togezer if I haf to keep replicating mistletoe until ze New Earth Year. Also Meester Scott and Meess Uhura, I am thinking they vould be wery cute."

"You're crazy, Pavel. And a genius. But mostly crazy."

"Do not tell me things I am knowing already. But zere is one more."

"..."

"..."

"You are _not_ allowed to have sex on the biobeds!"

_And then, in the morning, I saw on the bridge_

_The first shift walking in, looking all on edge_

"Morning, Captain!"

"Mistletoe!"

"...You did that on purpose."

"Nope, but not bad, Mr. Sulu."

_As I drew out my ID, and was turning around,_

_Down the turbolift Mr. Spock came without sound._

"He's just standing there."

"That's probably 'cause this crap's above every station."

"He's going by Uhura."

"Oh my _God_, he actually did it."

"I thought they broke up."

"They _did_."

_We were dressed for a party, but something was afoot,_

_Engineering was covered with ashes and soot._

_Little Chekov came down, left a message on the door,_

_"If you burn my mistletoe, I will bring you much more."_

"I cannae even see the ground!"

"I varned eweryone zere vould be more. I did not say how much more."

"Does it still count if it's under us?"

"Well, since you are asking, yes."

"..."

"Have fun, Meester Scott."

"Is there any way I can get out of this?"

"Yes. But I will not be telling you. Try a wisit to ze bridge."

_Chekov's eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!_

_His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!_

"I apologise, Nyota. I hope I did not infringe upon any boundaries..."

"Spock. It's mistletoe. I don't care and you don't need to apologise."

"Good afternoon!"

"Chekov. Someone is going to kill you and make it look like an accident- is that a _mistletoe hat_?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Fine!"

"...And you, Commander?"

"..."

"Happy Christmas!"

_His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,_

_But his mischievous mistletoe fell around us like snow._

"Scotty! What are you doing up here?"

"A wee birdie told me I could find a way tae get the greenery out of the engine room."

"Chekov, care to explain?"

"No, Keptan."

"Captain, I translated- Oh. Mr. Scott. I guess you don't know about the 'no standing in front of the turbolift' rule yet."

"Why? ...Oh. Well!"

"Zat makes two!"

"Two what?"

_Replicators offline, mistletoe disappearing,_

_And the smoke from the burning going on in Engineering_

_Gave Chekov a bad feeling deep in his belly;_

_His great plan was slipping through his fingers like jelly!_

"Keptan!"

"You know, I was _hoping_I could get through de-mistletoeing my room without being kissed."

"I am trying to finish my plan before it is all gone. It is _wery_important!"

"Is your plan to kiss the entire crew? 'Cause that's probably not gonna work out well for you."

"_Nyet_, my plans are much bigger than that. Can you please be leaving at least what is on ze bridge?"

"Yeah, I was already planning to. Mostly I think it's hilarious whenever Spock gets stuck under it."

_When Scotty walked by, ash all over himself,_

_They laughed when they saw him, in spite of themselves!_

"Meester Scott!"

"Y' already got yours. Merry Christmas, Captain."

"...Scotty! What would Uhura say?"

"She'd say as long as I'm only daen it for the mistletoe she donnae care, an' the same goes for me 'bout her. An' you - McCoy told me 'bout your plan. You better hope y'accomplish all of it or I will fill your room wi' tribbles for what ye did to my engines."

"So what's this 'plan'?"

"You will not be knowing any of it. Hawe a nice lunch, Keptan."

_A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,_

_Soon made Spock to know he had much to dread._

"I'm nae sure this's a good idea..."

"It's a terrible idea, but we have to get him out of his room somehow. As funny as it would be to see you get your ass kicked by Chekov when you try to attack him-"

"_'Ey_-"

"You know it's true. Much as I'd like to see that, this is more important."

"Fine, fine. Mr. Spock! Ah _know_it was you that took all the replicators offline. The captain's ordered me tae fix it an' I can only fix what you did from your terminal."

"You may inform the captain that I will not be leaving my room except for shifts until this... event has ended."

"I didn't know you were a coward, Spock. It doesn't suit you."

"I am not a coward. I have simply experienced too many outside thoughts and feelings overcoming my mental shields, and I would like not to have any more if I can help it."

"That was never a problem when we were dating. You said your shields were strong enough to block out any mental transfer."

"..."

"If ye hae a problem wi' kissing someone in _particular_- Ah! Nice tae see you again."

"How long will you be needing my terminal?"

"Depends on th' extent o' the damage you did."

"...Despite that I am fully aware this is a crude attempt at a clever plot to remove me from my quarters so that I will be forced to participate, and that you refuse to give me a length of time so that you can occupy my quarters until I have kissed what you deem a sufficient number of people or, possibly, a specific person, I will, as you might say, 'turn a blind eye to it'."

"Tha's the spirit!"

"You need not use my terminal, the replicators will be back online within the hour, and no longer able to produce mistletoe. I believe the practice we are using is that one must only administer one kiss to any one person, no matter how many times they are under the mistletoe together; therefore I should not need to give a second to Lt. Uhura. If you would, Mr. Scott?"

_Bones spoke not a word, but went straight to work,_

_To pull down all the mistletoe, then turned with a jerk._

"What are you doing here, Uhura?"

"We got Spock to leave his room. He suggested we take him to Rec Room 4."

"...This I _gotta_see."

"Oh- Scotty mentioned you haven't kissed a single woman today. Nurse Chapel been avoiding you?"

"Yeah. Why, you offering?"

"Well, there's mistletoe outside the door. Not much choice."

_Entering the rec room, Spock turned up his nose;_

_He gave a nod, and straightened his clothes._

"Hey, you got him!"

"...Shouldn' ye be savin' that enthusiasm for your boyfriend, Mr. Sulu?"

"Oh, I've got _much_more enthusiasm than that. Come here, Spock."

"...While I can name two mouths in which your tongue may belong, mine is not one of them. How inebriated are you?"

"Not as much as McCoy already is, and not as much as Scotty here will be. Onwards!"

_He stepped into the room, and someone shouted "HEY!"_

_And away they all flew like Klingon Birds of Prey._

"What the fuck? Oh. I get it now. The little shit."

"Jim. I believe I am beginning to understand why Ensign Chekov brought this tradition to the ship."

"Well that's another way to put it. Merry Christmas, Spock. Now kiss me already."

_And Chekov exclaimed, as Kirk and Spock left their sights,_

_"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good wodka! ...Oh. A good-night."_


End file.
